A Sad, Depressing Day

Today, not only did I visit the grave of my beloved Nonna, I also saw the Jackson family home in Encino. My Nonna (meaning grandmother in Italian) was very special to me, and she died last October. She lived a long, fruitful life, living to be 86. Even though she was my step-grandmother, she looked at me like I was one of her own. We always had so much fun together, and I'm grateful that I got to spend those amazing 6 years with her. I met her when I was 10, when my dad would be tutoring my younger step-brother, though we weren't related at the time. If I was upset for some reason, she would make us tea, and sit with me while I talked. We would watch movies together, and have a ton of fun. Thankfully, she died in her sleep, so it was painless. I miss her immensely, and I always will. She'll always be my special Nonna.
Today was the first time I've been to her grave since she died, and I spent a good twenty minutes there, sitting and remembering the good times we had. I later confessed to my mom that I had been talking to her as if she could hear me, telling her about how I'm now a senior, how much I miss her, and how I think about her a lot. Before I realized what I was doing, I reached out and touched her headstone. I was sitting there, and suddenly, I broke down. I had been holding in all my emotions for a long time because my family didn't understand why I was so upset, and eight months of grief and emotions spilled out in twenty minutes. I was struggling to hold in the tears because a.) I was wearing makeup (I had gotten my senior portraits taken that morning) and b.) because she always hated to see me cry. Despite my efforts to keep it in, the tears betrayed me and spilled out of my eyes, running down my cheeks in salty rivers. The tears started out small at first, and quickly grew into loud and violent sobs. My whole body shook with each sob, and I couldn't keep myself from rocking back and forth. The day she died, I remember I asked God why he took her from me. I'm Catholic, and I believe that God has a plan for all of us. But for a time, I hated him for taking her from me. Now I have come to terms with her death, but I still cry sometimes for her.

Preparing for Senior Year... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I can't believe that I'm a senior already! It seems like just yesterday I was a shy, quiet freshman, and now I'm a shy senior. There are so many things to do before graduation and college! Class rings, prom, homecoming, senior package, cap and gown. The list never ends! Whenever I think I have a grip on things for a minute, something else comes up! Be it a death in the family, a friend getting pregnant, or a brother's best friend attempting suicide. My life is absolutely crazy, and never gets any easier. I have an awesome family, and lots of great friends, but I have this whole other life that they don't see at school. But my escapes from the chaotic world are singing, reading, writing, playing flute, and playing piano. I've been a musician for as long as I can remember.