Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Just when I thought my life couldn't get any harder or more stressful, it did. My dad is suing my mom to get the alimony reduced to a very minimal amount each month, and he's not even going to help put me through college! Yes, I thought my life couldn't get any worse before the news, but obviously, it can. Actually, life seemed to be getting better before that bombshell was dropped in our laps. Now I don't even talk to him at all. I ignore his texts, calls, and other methods of attempting to contact me. I'm just so pissed at him, even though it's been a month and a half since I was told of his plans. I know that if I get any more pissed at him (which I usually do in our conversations, don't ask), I'll blow a fuse and go off on him and scream. I'm avoiding him to preserve my sanity! How's that for irony? A girl's father making her insane.
Friday, June 4, 2010
There are times when I've thought to myself, "Why am I still here on Earth? Life sucks, and nothing's going to make it better." Especially when my mom screams at me incessantly. I have an Xacto knife hidden away in my nightstand drawer, but I haven't used it. There have been times when I've wanted to pull it out, though. Like tonight. My mom's pissed for some reason, my grade in one of my classes dropped slightly, and I haven't cleaned my room to her satisfaction, so she took prom away! I spent over $200 of my own money that I saved from Christmas and my birthday, and for nothing. Sometimes I want to yell that I hate my life, and I just want to die. People always say, "Oh, you're just upset. You don't mean it." But a lot of times, I do mean it! No one knows the kind of hell I've been through since my parents divorced when I was 10. Sometimes I think the world would be a better place without me.
Monday, February 1, 2010
What is it about exes that always gets on our nerves? Is it the obsession with reconnecting, the grief of losing a relationship, or the loss of a companion? Whatever it is, it can be very hard to live with. My ex contacted me a few weeks ago, and we were supposed to get together for lunch. But then I discovered that he had lied to his mom because she wouldn't let him see me. When she found out that we were dating a month and a half into our relationship, she spent the rest of the time of our relationship not trying to get to know me or even just being happy for us. No, she didn't like me because I'm not Salvadorean and I'm not skinny. She began to badmouth me, and was trying to convince him to break up with me. He's the youngest of three, and a momma's boy. He eventually was persuaded by her, and he began to treat me horribly. She would call me names and insult me, and in his way of trying to break up with me, he would repeat them. I eventually got fed up with it, and I broke it off. Now, he's trying to get back with me. My answer is simple, straight, and to the point: NO WAY!!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Self-injury is a problem that's sweeping our nation, and the world. People do it in all different ways. The most common are cutting, burning, biting, and picking at scabs so injuries don't heal. I myself have succumbed to this epidemic, and I tend to cut or bite myself. There are times when I even think of going all the way with injury and mutilation, but I never follow through with it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, and OCD when I was 12, and I've been on pills for it since then. Even the smallest insult, embarassment, or rejection has the potential to push me over the edge. Normally, those alone can't do it, but when added to all the other stress and emotions of life, it can become unbearable. When people see my scars, they automatically label me as emo or goth, sometimes even freak. Rejection always hurts, but to someone with bipolar depression, it's unbearable. That's when I get the urge to self-injure. There are many ways, but I prefer cutting and biting. The biting is only visible temporarily until the blood recedes, but the cutting leaves scars for life. It's a way of dealing with emotional pain by creating physical pain to distract myself. It's also a form of self-punishment. I'm working with people to stop, and my friends check my arms every week.
High school is so confusing sometimes. My older brothers have warned me about the whirlwind of activities for seniors, but I didn't think that there were this many. Senior breakfast, senior kickoff, homecoming court, homecoming game, homecoming dance, senior spirit week, senior superlatives, prom, graduation, just to name a few! All the performances I have to do for band and Vocal Ensemble, my computer class, my Honors Government and Advanced Lit classes, drawing, and dance all take time and hard work also! Especially all the rehearsals and dance routine tests! And of course, who can forget the class ring and prom dress? This year's going to be a very expensive one.
My best friends are the best anyone could ever ask for. They always know how to help me through tough times, and they're always there when I need them. My friend Aria is the greatest, sweetest person I've ever met. He always knows exactly how I feel, and he can always make me laugh. There are times when it even seems like he knows me better than I know myself. My best friends are amazing also. I can always tell Lupe anything, and she's a shoulder to cry on. Suzi is an amazing person, and she knows everything about me. We tell each other everything, and there are no secrets. We talk about everything ranging from guys to music to books. I'm so lucky to have friends like them, and I don't know what I've done to deserve them. I know that we'll be friends for a long time to come.
Monday, November 30, 2009
It's true. School is unfair. I was 10 seconds late because I tripped and had to chase my paper possessions all around, but my teacher wouldn't let me in. I get to school at 7 every day, and I go to the ROTC room every morning to meet a friend. My teacher had just closed the door, and I sprinted the 15 feet to the door. Out of breath, I knocked on the door. He opened the door, and told me that I had to go to the tardy lockout. I've had a perfect non-tardy record since preschool, and with one unfortunate move of my clumsy extremities, that record has been broken. I tried to explain to the dean as well as my teacher what happened, and both were indifferent to my explanation. Tears were running down my face, but both people were oblivious. To make matters worse, my mom got mad at me because she told me to carry things in my backpack, but the items I had in my arms were things I need for 1st period! I asked her to call the Dean's office and verify that I had arrived at school at 7 this morning, but she blamed me for my clumsiness. She said repeatedly, "This wouldn't have happened if you had listened to me." Thankfully, most of the deans and administrators at this school know me, and they are well aware of my meticulously clean attendance record. All I have to do is explain to them what happened, and I can only hope for the best to happen. I still haven't stopped crying, and my teacher is oblivious to the rivers of tears streaming down my face. My friends have tried to prove my innocence, but the teacher doesn't care. He only goes by what he thinks, and since he's the teacher, what he says, goes. I just wish there was some way to prove my innocence and reinstate my perfect record.