Thursday, December 31, 2009

Self-Injury: A Growing Teen Epidemic

Self-injury is a problem that's sweeping our nation, and the world. People do it in all different ways. The most common are cutting, burning, biting, and picking at scabs so injuries don't heal. I myself have succumbed to this epidemic, and I tend to cut or bite myself. There are times when I even think of going all the way with injury and mutilation, but I never follow through with it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, and OCD when I was 12, and I've been on pills for it since then. Even the smallest insult, embarassment, or rejection has the potential to push me over the edge. Normally, those alone can't do it, but when added to all the other stress and emotions of life, it can become unbearable. When people see my scars, they automatically label me as emo or goth, sometimes even freak. Rejection always hurts, but to someone with bipolar depression, it's unbearable. That's when I get the urge to self-injure. There are many ways, but I prefer cutting and biting. The biting is only visible temporarily until the blood recedes, but the cutting leaves scars for life. It's a way of dealing with emotional pain by creating physical pain to distract myself. It's also a form of self-punishment. I'm working with people to stop, and my friends check my arms every week.

Confusing Times at Van Nuys High

High school is so confusing sometimes. My older brothers have warned me about the whirlwind of activities for seniors, but I didn't think that there were this many. Senior breakfast, senior kickoff, homecoming court, homecoming game, homecoming dance, senior spirit week, senior superlatives, prom, graduation, just to name a few! All the performances I have to do for band and Vocal Ensemble, my computer class, my Honors Government and Advanced Lit classes, drawing, and dance all take time and hard work also! Especially all the rehearsals and dance routine tests! And of course, who can forget the class ring and prom dress? This year's going to be a very expensive one.

Friends: Angels In Disguise

My best friends are the best anyone could ever ask for. They always know how to help me through tough times, and they're always there when I need them. My friend Aria is the greatest, sweetest person I've ever met. He always knows exactly how I feel, and he can always make me laugh. There are times when it even seems like he knows me better than I know myself. My best friends are amazing also. I can always tell Lupe anything, and she's a shoulder to cry on. Suzi is an amazing person, and she knows everything about me. We tell each other everything, and there are no secrets. We talk about everything ranging from guys to music to books. I'm so lucky to have friends like them, and I don't know what I've done to deserve them. I know that we'll be friends for a long time to come.

Monday, November 30, 2009

School Is So Unfair!!!

It's true. School is unfair. I was 10 seconds late because I tripped and had to chase my paper possessions all around, but my teacher wouldn't let me in. I get to school at 7 every day, and I go to the ROTC room every morning to meet a friend. My teacher had just closed the door, and I sprinted the 15 feet to the door. Out of breath, I knocked on the door. He opened the door, and told me that I had to go to the tardy lockout. I've had a perfect non-tardy record since preschool, and with one unfortunate move of my clumsy extremities, that record has been broken. I tried to explain to the dean as well as my teacher what happened, and both were indifferent to my explanation. Tears were running down my face, but both people were oblivious. To make matters worse, my mom got mad at me because she told me to carry things in my backpack, but the items I had in my arms were things I need for 1st period! I asked her to call the Dean's office and verify that I had arrived at school at 7 this morning, but she blamed me for my clumsiness. She said repeatedly, "This wouldn't have happened if you had listened to me." Thankfully, most of the deans and administrators at this school know me, and they are well aware of my meticulously clean attendance record. All I have to do is explain to them what happened, and I can only hope for the best to happen. I still haven't stopped crying, and my teacher is oblivious to the rivers of tears streaming down my face. My friends have tried to prove my innocence, but the teacher doesn't care. He only goes by what he thinks, and since he's the teacher, what he says, goes. I just wish there was some way to prove my innocence and reinstate my perfect record.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Why???

Why do people always treat me differently than they would anyone else? They treat me like I'm a weirdo, and they avoid sitting next to me. It's the norm every day, and even though it happens every day and I should be used to it, the hurt never goes away. It stings just as much today as it did five years ago. Maybe it's because of my perkiness all the time, or maybe because they're afraid that they'll pick up the "fat disease", seeing as I'm not the skinniest person. I may not be the most popular or prettiest, but I'm a nice person and care about others. I just wish people would be more understanding of others and not judge them just by what they see. People know that my parents divorced when I was 10, and they see the scars on my arm from when life got unbearable. Once that sight meets their eyes, most decide to avoid me at all costs. There are a few who don't, and those are my only friends, one of them being my best friend. I'm always alone at lunch, except for my friend Deb and my other best friend, Lupe. I do have some friends, and they know about me (my deep secrets), and they understand and like me for who I am. I just wish more people could be like them. I wish my best friend would come home for a while from UC Berkeley, although I know he needs to be there.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Asthma: Not Silent, Not Painless, But Definitely Deadly

I've had asthma for as long as I can remember. It's always plagued me, and it pops up whenever I least expect it. Well, I kind of know when it's coming on because I start to feel dizzy. I always have my inhaler with me, but sometimes I can't get to it in time. A few times, my brothers, my mom, or my friends have had to get it for me because I've passed out. I was first diagnosed with exercise induced asthma, then, as I grew older, it was changed to adult asthma. I almost died when I was a toddler because a negligent doctor gave me the wrong dosage of a medicine for allergies. I was supposed to have 4 milligrams of Prednisone, but they gave me 12 milligrams instead. An hour later, I started to wheeze, whine, and cough like I was choking. My mom took me to the emergency room, and they diagnosed it as a severe asthma attack. After they diagnosed me and told my mom, I went limp in her arms, passed out. First, they gave me a shot to open my airways a little so I could breathe, then they put me on a nebulizer treatment. Being 2, naturally, I was terrified. I refused to let them put the clear tube with steam coming out the end in my mouth, so they tried other things. Nothing worked, so they eventually resorted to a mask that went over my nose and mouth. My mom had to tickle me to get me to breathe in the medicine, and once I did start to breathe it in, I gradually started to breathe easier. They kept me for a few hours, just for observation, and I fell asleep there. My dad met us there (he was a teacher, and was working at the time) right as they were giving me the shot, and he followed the sound of my mom yelling for something to work fast. When they let me go, my dad carried me out like he did when I was a baby, cradled in his arms. They put me on bed rest for two days after that, but being the rambunctious two year old that I was, it was hard for my parents to keep me there. The attacks continued throughout my childhood, and still occur today. Two years ago, when I was in class, someone decided that they were going to spray perfume all over the room. That caused me to start to feel lightheaded, and I knew that I was going to have an attack. My friends who sat in my group (the teacher had the desks arranged in groups of four) knew about my asthma, and we had a signal for when one was happening. I would cough, and tap my desk. Then I got my inhaler out of my pocket, and started to shake it. My hand was trembling so badly, I couldn't even get the cover off the mouthpiece. My friend noticed that, and she went and told my teacher. They came back over to me, and she helped me to the door because I was shaking so badly, I could barely stand. I got outside, sat down on one of the steps, and used my inhaler. She had grabbed my water bottle before we went outside, and I drank a little bit of it. I stayed outside for a while, got some fresh air, and I was okay. My teacher spent the rest of the period lecturing about how some people are asthmatic, and that they couldn't go around the room and spray perfume or anything like that. Later, I heard that I had turned purple because I couldn't breathe. Now I make sure that I have two inhalers: one for home, one for when I go out. A person can never be too careful when it comes to their life.    

Saturday, August 22, 2009

What I Listen to is My Own Decision!!!

God, I'm sick of people assuming they can judge me by my taste in music! I was at the Grove in Hollywood today, and I was checking out Marilyn Manson music. A person was looking at music next to me, and commented on my selection. He said, "Aren't you a little young to be listening to that type of music? It's a little too adult for you." I turned around and said, "Excuse me, but I happen to be 17. I'll be 18 in April. I know the backstory about how he derived his stage name. I happen know a lot about both the actual Charles Manson as well as Marilyn Manson! I have two older brothers, and they listen to his music also, as well as my younger brother, who's 16. So no, I'm not too young to be listening to his music." He sneered at me, and said, "Fine. I just don't like how his music is corrupting the youth of America. I just hope you don't turn out to be another Hitler or Mussolini, or worse, another Charles Manson." I was angry, and I'm sure that it was showing. I said through clenched teeth, "I may be of Italian and German descent, but that doesn't mean that every person who is from that culture will be a mini dictator. I actually happen to be extremely anti-Nazi and not at all Fascist. If I was a future Family member, would I have read Helter Skelter cover to cover, and be horrified by his philosophy? I think not. In fact, neither any of my brothers nor I will be corrupted by his music. He just has amazing rhythms, great guitar riffs, and incredibly strong vocals. Yes, his music may have questionable messages to certain people, but my brothers and I are all musicians. We listen to it not only for the words and messages, but for the musical aspects of it. And what we listen to is up to us. Our parents don't try to intervene because they know that we're old enough to make our own decisions. I just wish that people weren't so narrow-minded that they only see the historical reference in his name and his messages." I turned and walked away, leaving him standing there, mouth agape. I walked out of music, picked up a copy of Marilyn Manson's autobiography, and bought it. As I walked out, he was still floored in the same spot, and people were looking at him with confusion. Later, when I told my brothers about the conversation, they were so proud of me for not only standing up for myself and them, but also for what I believe in. I think that people should have the choice to listen to any type of music they want, no matter what references could be made.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Ups and Downs (Many, Many Downs) of Teen Relationships

Many people say that the teenage years are the best and most magical. I'd like to know what they were thinking when they say that. I'm 17, and so far, they haven't at all been the best of my life. With that being said of my age, I must also tell you that I've only had one serious relationship in my 17 years of existence. That was last summer, and it lasted for 3 1/2 months. Granted my mom's rule was no dating until I was 16, but even then, I hadn't even been asked out. I'm now a senior, and I don't have any guys calling me, even just to hang out. Well, I do have one guy calling me to hang out, and that's my best friend, Aria. I can't help but wonder, how will I get a date for prom, or even a guy to look at me? Oh, the woes of a senior! Especially one who's not exactly the most popular or pretty on campus. Some might even call me nerdy because I always have a book in my arms, or a notebook to write stories in. I love to read, and I'm proud of that. I'm also a band geek, and that's a big turn-off to teen guys. They want popular, gorgeous, athletic, cheerleader girls, not nerdy, shy, quiet band geeks like me. Maybe that's why I haven't had a date in over a year. I hate the teenage mentality. Actually, I just wish I was better-looking and skinny. But not all people can have exactly what they want.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Writing: Fun and Confusing at the Same Time

I love to write stories, but sometimes my ideas can be cryptic. Like I have an idea for a story about me and a friend, but I can't figure out where it came from. For example, a very good friend is going to UC Berkeley in two weeks, and I dreamed about us last night. I couldn't figure out where that came from other than my subconscious telling me that I'll really miss him. Another example is that I dreamed about my being pregnant with a friend's baby, and I had written the beginnings of that story the day before! The mind works in mysterious ways. Even Sigmund Freud couldn't completely describe how the brain functions! And who knows why I still periodically get ideas that put me and my ex together again!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Funny Story: I live in LA, but I can't seem to meet any celebrities!!!

Well, I guess I have met a few. Like I went to pre-school with Wolfie VanHalen, elementary and middle school with Mason Lucero (in Clint Eastwood's "Bloodwork"), middle school with Victoria Justice, I've talked to David Sutcliffe, Eric Szmanda, and Chris Noth. Mr. Noth actually started the conversation with me! It was two weeks before finals, the first weekend of June. My mom and I were in Starbucks, and I was working on homework because my histroy teacher had assigned two chapters to do over the weekend. It was quite a difficult feat to accomplish, considering that I had a concert with my school band the Friday night before, and my grandparents had come out to be there. I spent Saturday with them, and Sunday was homework day. I had gotten some of it done on Friday night and Saturday afternoon, but it was still a close call. I was doing homework and also making study cards for the final on the Era of Conformity and the 1960s. He had his son with him, and I had smiled at his little boy. I was talking a question over with my mom, and he chimed in with, "Looks like you got a lot of homework." I was shocked, and that shock ran through my body. I said, quite calmly (to my surprise), "You have no idea. Finals are in two weeks, and my teacher wants us to learn as much as possible, so he slammed us with two chapters due tomorrow, and he assigned it on Friday!" I then proceeded to tell him that I'm a fan of his, and returned dutifully to my homework. But that was so cool! I wish I could meet more celebrities! Somehow. Maybe someday I will. Now that I'm a senior in high school, I won't have as many tough classes, and I'll have more time to sightsee and watch for celebrities. Lol, just kidding. I'm not a stalker. I just happen to bump into them, at random places. I would love to meet the actors from one of my favorite shows, "Crossing Jordan", particularly the one who portrayed Nigel. And the one who portrayed Bug. I loved that show so much, and was so upset when they cancelled it. Oh, well! C'est la vie! I'd also love to meet Orlando Bloom, and I am a huge fan of his also. Maybe somehow, someday I will. Just have to be patient and keep my hopes up. Stay tuned! More posts of the summer before my senior year and posts of senior year to come!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A Sad, Depressing Day

Today, not only did I visit the grave of my beloved Nonna, I also saw the Jackson family home in Encino. My Nonna (meaning grandmother in Italian) was very special to me, and she died last October. She lived a long, fruitful life, living to be 86. Even though she was my step-grandmother, she looked at me like I was one of her own. We always had so much fun together, and I'm grateful that I got to spend those amazing 6 years with her. I met her when I was 10, when my dad would be tutoring my younger step-brother, though we weren't related at the time. If I was upset for some reason, she would make us tea, and sit with me while I talked. We would watch movies together, and have a ton of fun. Thankfully, she died in her sleep, so it was painless. I miss her immensely, and I always will. She'll always be my special Nonna.
Today was the first time I've been to her grave since she died, and I spent a good twenty minutes there, sitting and remembering the good times we had. I later confessed to my mom that I had been talking to her as if she could hear me, telling her about how I'm now a senior, how much I miss her, and how I think about her a lot. Before I realized what I was doing, I reached out and touched her headstone. I was sitting there, and suddenly, I broke down. I had been holding in all my emotions for a long time because my family didn't understand why I was so upset, and eight months of grief and emotions spilled out in twenty minutes. I was struggling to hold in the tears because a.) I was wearing makeup (I had gotten my senior portraits taken that morning) and b.) because she always hated to see me cry. Despite my efforts to keep it in, the tears betrayed me and spilled out of my eyes, running down my cheeks in salty rivers. The tears started out small at first, and quickly grew into loud and violent sobs. My whole body shook with each sob, and I couldn't keep myself from rocking back and forth. The day she died, I remember I asked God why he took her from me. I'm Catholic, and I believe that God has a plan for all of us. But for a time, I hated him for taking her from me. Now I have come to terms with her death, but I still cry sometimes for her.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Preparing for Senior Year... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I can't believe that I'm a senior already! It seems like just yesterday I was a shy, quiet freshman, and now I'm a shy senior. There are so many things to do before graduation and college! Class rings, prom, homecoming, senior package, cap and gown. The list never ends! Whenever I think I have a grip on things for a minute, something else comes up! Be it a death in the family, a friend getting pregnant, or a brother's best friend attempting suicide. My life is absolutely crazy, and never gets any easier. I have an awesome family, and lots of great friends, but I have this whole other life that they don't see at school. But my escapes from the chaotic world are singing, reading, writing, playing flute, and playing piano. I've been a musician for as long as I can remember.